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1月23日 Sweet memoryAh, dear possessor
of my heart,
how long will
I ache for thee?
Time has slowed,
the days lengthen.
Would that
I once more thy smile might see.
The image of
your face becomes
a
sweet and fading memory.
Far too soon
these wonderous
times have flown from
me.
1月22日 Just when I thought everything was coolFirst a quick note
to anyone who may read this: I'm not going to be visiting my space very
often. I'm going to blog via email with automatic publishing because the
site just consumes too much of my precious bandwitdh (This is, after all
deepest, darkest Africa, where bandwitdh costs ten times as much as anywhere
else in the world - grrrr) So ... if you leave a comment it's quite likely
that I won't see it for a while.
Hmmm, so the year
started pretty well but it has deteriorated a little since last week. I
had been seeing a lovely lady who I was rapidly losing my heart to. There
were complications of course. She is freshly divorced (six
months) and lives around the corner from her ex who makes it his business to
stick his nose in everywhere. The net result is that she decided that
seeing me was becoming too complicated, so she called the whole thing
off.
I'm not completely
devastated, but I'm feeling pretty sad about the whole thing because I thought
it was going to be a real love story :-( Ah well, such is life I
guess. I just hope I'll meet someone new quite soon. Or maybe she'll
come around and change her mind! Not likely
:-(
1月1日 Well I never!I haven't been around windows live spaces for...ev...er! How things have changed!
Suddenly there's this feed thing just like I have in Facebook (yes, I have a facebook profile now.) I stopped blogging here (or anywhere for that matter) a while back because I just didn't have the time anymore. I don't really have the time now, but I reckon my poor space is getting lonely :-)
It seems that I have picked up few new friends while I wasn't looking. Amazing - isn't technology wonderful!?
Anyway, a new year started today, and although 2007 wasn't too bad, I reckon 2008 can be even better. Here's to a fantastic year...
 8月30日 Thursday the 30thFor those who wanted to know: My birthday was on the first.
August has been a tough month for me, and I suspect that work stress has a lot to do with it. Usually I am able to be fairly upbeat about life in general, but when the stress gets too much I struggle a lot.
Still, the down times have meant that I've allocated a much higher priority to my relationship with God. My quiet time has become an extremely important part of my day, and as Guinevere rightly points out, focusing on my relationship with my creator is where the ultimate solution lies.
I've just come home from a song-group practice, and then drinks with the guys afterwards. I was actually quite pleased that they felt I was "cool" enough to invite along - I am a good 15 years older than the oldest! Anyway, we had a good time and I am reminded of the importance of social human interaction to one's emotional well-being. More simply put: "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!"
What's going on in my life right now? Not a lot besides work actually. Two things spring immediately to mind though: The first is that the young girl I mentioned in a previous entry, who hooked up with the friend named Paul, has since broken up with both him and another boyfriend, and now seems reasonably interested in spending some time with me. Second is that it looks to me like it may be time to buy a new car. Being a South African guy, buying a car is one of life's major decisions - cars are very expensive here, so making the right choice is fairly important! 8月16日 Ok, so maybe I'm feeling a little betterI think my modd is improving, and this evening I feel way better than I did when I last posted! Work has been an absolute nightmare in the last few months because of impossible deadlines and huge expectations from many players. Things don't look like slowing down for a while either, but I think I am beginning to find ways to cope with the stress.
One thing that I have been very grateful for is that I haven't been sick for a while. I went onto a rather strict regimen of at least five fruits a day a few months back, and so far it looks like the discipline has been worth it! I've managed to dodge the various colds that have gone around, and so far I am still healthy even in the midst of this huge work stress. I am gradually getting my exercise schedule back on stream, and I guess it is helping to improve my mood as well.
My daily quite-time is starting to take some real form again, and this is also proving to be a very important part of my day. My mother and brother (bless their hearts) gave me an awesome leather-bound book of devotions for my birthday, and already I'm am finding much inspiration in the words contained in it. I guess I must admit that God has been watching over me even though I wasn't "feeling" his prescence all the time.
Perhaps I'm finally on the mend, although I'm not holding my breath just yet. I think God has a lot of work to do on this humble vessel ... 8月2日 My word, how things have changed!Wow! I log on after a few months and everything has changed! All the menus look different, there's a summary of all the comments I've received (which I like,) but it took me a good three minutes to find where to add a blog.
I wasn't going to add a blog by the way. In fact I'm not entirely sure why I logged on at all. Why did I stop blogging, you may ask (if you've been here before.) Well, part of the reason is that I've not had much time. My new business took a great deal more time than I expected, and when I get home at night, I want to sleep - not log on and write blogs.
I've been alright, not fantastic, and life has rushed by for a few months. I imported my children for three weeks in early July, and the time we had together was uplifting for both them and me. I couldn't take time off so my mother very kindly took care of them during the day. It was a special time, but in some ways it has only served to highlight for me how much I miss them.
The relationship I started (and ended) earlier this year left me feeling somewhat down, not because of the relationship itself, but because of the implications of its shortness and what that means to me. I guess the real problem is that my heart still belongs to someone else. Recently I have made some moves towards a divorcee who seems to have much the same value system as I, and who probably needs a friend. Unfortunately this is progressing in small fits and starts because she works at a client that I don't visit very often, and she is (understandably) a little wary of all beings male at this stage. I've left that whole thing in God's hands, and we shall see where it goes.
Still, even if things go well with this potential female interest, my heart is still aching. A dull ache it is, but an ache none-the-less. I can't seem to put my feelings behind me, and it frustrates me no end! How long will it take for me to heal from this wound of love? Will I ever feel completely fine again? I'm not terribly hopeful at this juncture. It's been years now, and although I have times of feeling ok, I always come back down to this aching heart.
Anyway, for those of you who have worried about my abscence, please don't. Another reason for my lack of writing has been that mostly my mind is on the same thing day after day, and that's self pity which you would soon grow tired of reading about!
So ... I feel that I've moved backwards for the last few months. I have a spiritual life, but I am not feeling fulfilled, and even work is just sheer drudgery. Dark sentiments these are indeed, but they are mine and I own them without guilt. 5月3日 Where's the colour?The Alpha weekend was great, just too short! Somehow we only got rain on the Friday evening, even though it rained the entire weekend pretty much all around us! I came home exhausted but having had a good time.
I've being struggling with the drudgery of life lately. I seem to end up in this position time and time again. What is the purpose of this day to day grind? Where is there excitement in life? In the last few days everything seems to go by in shades of grey. About the only place I find solace is in my dreams, but they always seem to be over far too quickly.
Perhaps it is just fatigue that is getting me down. Life has been far too full of deadlines lately, and what I probably need is some decent rest. Alas, it's not going to happen any time soon! There is a ton of stuff to acheive this year, and it is going to continue to be "nose to the grindstone" all the way through.
I can only hope that God in His inifinite mercy will lift me up somewhere along the line. He knows I'm not doing too well on my own... 4月26日 Physical FrustrationI've made good progress on my fitness in the last few weeks! I've lost a couple of kilos, my waistline is diminishing, some tone is starting to show and I feel strong. Except for one thing. My right wrist has decided that it's had enough of supporting my hand, and it complains loudly when I use it too much. I had this problem recently and I visited a physio-therapist who recommended plenty of rest. That's exactly what I did, but it seems the rest wasn't enough because I'm experiencing pain again. It's really
frustrating because I was just getting going! Growing old is irritating.
On another tack altogether, I read a few blogs last night, and one struck a particular chord with me. It was written by an online friend and spoke of regrets over past actions and in-actions. I can relate whole-heartedly, in fact regret has been a hallmark of the last few days of my life. I know why it's happening as well. Every now and then I spend a few days out of regular contact with friends etc, and I get to thinking about my life as a whole. One of the things I always think of, is missed opportunities.
Today at work we had a farewell for a woman who has been around for just a few months, and has just been through a divorce. I've always admired her for her forthright and competent personality, and at times I wished that it was appropriate to spend some time getting to know her. Of course, with her getting divorced, it would be theoretically ok to express some interest. Thing is, I don't have much to do with her on a day-to-day basis, so there's never really been a good opening for me. So now she's gone. I guess that's how life goes sometimes.
4月25日 A wet weekendWe're having our Alpha weekend away from Friday, and guess what? The first winter storm is due tomorrow, and rain is forecast for the whole time we are away! What an irony. Still, the campsite we are going to has fire-places, so we'll light up and be cosy together. There'll be no barbecueing of meet on Saturday eveing though. That's a shame.
A very good friend of mine has come on the current course, and his spiritual life really seems to be taking off. It's wonderful to see. When I met him I felt like he would never come around, but God moves in mysterious ways. It never ceases to amaze me.
4月24日 Do you have a nemesis?I've been meaning to write an entry on this for a while now! Anyone who has read a couple of my blog entries will know that I'm not given to superstition, but having said that, there is one seemingly disturbing coincidence. Almost every time I have met a woman that I am really interested in, someone called Paul has gotten in the way.
First there was a woman who stole my heart big time, and then met and ended up with a Paul who she is still happily connected with. This first time caused me huge pain and I needed professional help to get sorted.
Then there was a charming and beautiful girl I met at a function, who was full of promises and all sorts of plans. I discovered the next week that she had a boyfriend whose name was ... Paul of course! "Well," I thought, "she'll break up with him at some point and then I'll have my chance." Yeah right. Two years later she is happily married to him with a gorgeous child.
A few weeks ago I became interested in someone much younger, and there seemed to be a mutual response. Except for a guy who stole the moment called ... yep ... Paul! A guy who just happens to be a good friend of mine, and who I am very happy for in terms of his catch. It's just that I get the raw deal. Again.
So there it is. Paul is my nemesis. If there's a Paul around, I need to watch my back.
I think the next time I meet someone who I'm even remotely interested in, I'm first going to ask if she knows Paul. If she does, she may have to be a non-starter! 4月17日 Sometimes Tuesdays are goodFor those who live in countries that don't play cricket (on an international scale,) the last few weeks have been seeing out the cricket world cup in the West Indies. South Africa have been up and down in their fortunes, and I've been quite frustrated watching them on occasion in the last few weeks. Today though, they showed what they can do if they put their minds to it. We absolutely trounced England, and thereby assured our spot in the semi-finals! Of course the semi's are not going to be easy. We'll face the machine which calls itself Australia next week, and we'll have to pull something extraordinary out of the bag to beat them. Still, us South Africans hold out hope that our team may take us to victory...
That wasn't the only reason this Tuesdays was good though: Various aspects of my work are coming together, and although there is a lot still to be done, I can begin to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel! It's quite a relief because there is an enormous amount to accomplish, much of it very difficult. Anyway, tonight I shall sleep well knowing that significant progress has been made.
Another good thing for me is that I've been bowling consistently better recently, so much so that my average has come up from 140 to 151. That's no mean feat in just a few weeks! I hope that my form will continue to improve as the year progresses.
Lastly - here's an interesting thing: the thermometer next to my bed reads only one degree higher than yesterday, but subjectively I feel way warmer! The day was still cool, but I don't feel even nearly as chilly as I did yesterday! Funny how one can feel such a difference from one day to the next. I wonder if my internal body temperature has something to do with it, and if so, what different temperatures might mean. Maybe someone's done a study on it... 4月16日 Winter beginsI'm feeling so cold today! The whole day I've been feeling this chill, and even now sitting on my bed and quite warm, I still feel this nagging sensation of coldness. I wonder if the greyness of the day has gotten under my skin?
I'm off to tenpin league in a few minutes time, and then I'll crawl into bed sometime after midnight, only to wake again at around six. I'll head off to work sometime after seven, and try to get a mountain sorted in the few short hours available. And that's just the work for the client! I still have to look into letters of appointment for the staff members of my new company (yes - it's only just getting off the ground administratively now, after a good few months.) I have to consider their salaries and think about when their next increase needs to happen.
I think administration is the thing I dislike most about life. There always seems to be something more that needs doing, and these days most things seem to need doing twice. Have you noticed that you can never phone about something just once? You always have to follow up, and very few companies I've dealth with sort your problems out on the first try. You have to keep on nagging, over and over again. I even bought underware the other, carefully selected from the medium rack, only to find that it was extra large when I got around to unpacking it the next day! So now I have to go back to exchange it - like I have time for that. hen did packing stuff on the right shelf go out of fashion?
This leads me to my next rant. have you noticed how the large supermarkets move their stuff around from time to time? Their logic indicates that you'll see more things to buy if you have to search, and that's fine ... if you aren't in a hurry. I'm always in a hurry! Shopping is something I get done as quickly as possible so I can get on with life's important things. I'm not interested in some new, usually useless gimmick someone wants me to try out. If it's any good, someone will tell me about it, and then I'll buy one!
I reckon all this "in your face" advertising is finally getting to me. I'm so sick of being asked to buy something everywhere I turn. Marketers should take note and start asking themselves how much product they'll sell if they keep irritating people. I'm pretty sure I've missed a few things I might really have wanted because I make a point of not looking at everything that's shoved in my face, and not going to the fifty second sale this season by some clothing store!
Mmmm, seems I've gone off on a anti-advertising tangent, and I've run out of time... 4月13日 Now I know whyI know why I've been feeling down. Usually I shrug off all the nagging doubts that plague me from day to day, after all they're just noise generated inside my own head. The reason they've been getting airtime is that I've been coming down with a cold! It struck with full force yesterday in the afternoon, forcing me into retreat to the relative comfort of my bed. I had a miserable night, and I can't say I felt much better this morning.
Fortunately for me, I can do a full day's work by logging in to my work machine from home, so I sat in the sun which streamed through the window in my bedroom, with my laptop on my lap and trudged through the day's work. I'm always amazed at how much more work I get through when I'm undisturbed at home! Makes me wonder why I don't do it more often!
So here I am on Friday evening, not going anywhere because although I've recovered quite a lot, I'm by no means better. Still, better that I get this over with as soon as possible by getting all the rest I need. The memory of being ill for an extended period last year is still fresh in my mind. I don't want to go through that again!
This weekend is going to be one of work mostly. I've been asked to complete a body of work over and above what I can acheive during my ordinary work day, and although I usually turn this kind of thing down, they are desperate and will pay top dollar for it. So I guess it's partly because I'm a nice guy and partly because the money will be welcome! Anyway, regardless of the reasons, it's to the grindstone for me tomorrow.
Bear with me if you're reading all my blogs, usually it takes a little while for the inspiration to strike. In the meantime I just write whatever's on my mind...
4月11日 Down, but not for longSometimes I go through bad patches. The last few days I have felt down, and the big question I've kept asking myself is why? This is the perplexing thing about it - there is no real reason why I should be feeling down. Life is running smoothly enough. Most things are on track. The only difference I can put my finger on is that I seem to be going through a minor cold. It isn't a bad cold though, and I know this for certain because I've had no trouble exercising in the last few days.
The weather has changed some - perhaps that's it. We're in the middle of our first winter cold front, and there's been some rain and a chilly breeze. The strange things is that I actually enjoy the occasional grey day! I was pleased to have some protection from the sun today, especially after the harsh summer we've just been through.
Anyway, this afternoon I completed a section of work which has been on my mind for some time now, and I'm somewhat relieved that the main part is completed. There is much to do still, but most of it is fixing the glitches and polishing the final product. This evening was also Alpha evening, and I came away from it feeling refreshed, even though I have to lead a group there. I guess in the context of eternity, my mood has very little to do with anything, and this fact in itself has already got me feeling better!
God is gracious in the way that He sends you support when you need it. People at work seem to have been extra understanding in the last two days, and I received an email from a friend which also lifted my spirits. So I guess I'm feeling considerably better than I did earlier today...
Where to from here? Well, I guess I'll take tomorrow as it comes. Hopefully I'll have renewed enthusiasm for my current work tasks, now that I've broken the back of them, and who knows what other serendipities will come my way tomorrow!
4月9日 Sometimes I wishSometimes I wish that I could be a better sportsman. If I could just play cricket naturally and easliy like my friends. If I could just save goals for my team on the soccer field. But this just isn't one of my strong points. What little skill I have is hard won with much practice.
Sometimes I wish that I was better at organising things. I would love to get everything sorted out and running like a well-oiled machine in my home. Right now my ironing isn't done, the dryer still contains a load of washing, there's a security gate that needs fitting, and the dust is already gathering since I last vaccuumed - and this is the end of the weekend! This is when everthing should be ship-shape and ready for the work week.
Sometimes I wish that I had discovered the gym when I was much younger. Every time I get into a good routine, I get an injury and I have to rest and start over. My body just doesn't respond the way my mind wants it to.
Sometimes I wish that work could just "go away" for two months. I take breaks but they are never long enough! When I was at school and college, I used to be dying to get back to it by the end of the vacation. That never happens anymore.
4月2日 Of wisdom and getting old...I hinted in my catch-up blog recently that I might expand on some areas. This is the first. I've been meaning to take time out to reflect on my romantic life, (and often lack thereof,) so I'm going to spend a little time on it now.
I've mentioned a long time ago about having had a thing for a work colleague, and I'm very glad to say that I'm completely over it! I think having had a girlfriend for a few months has done wonders for my self-esteem, and I'm now feeling much more confident about myself altogether. I still find said colleague attractive, but no more so than any number of other colleagues in my workplace. I've noticed many people around me struggling through divorces since I went through mine, and I ache for what they must be going through. These are all good people, and it's sad that so many of us can't keep a marriage together. Enough about that.
Recently we've had a young, attractive addition to our bowling league fraternity, and I couldn't help but admire her beauty, along with every other male there I'm sure! The thing is, she just happens to be the daughter of one of my team mates, and so my admiration has been kept somewhat discreet! Imagine my surprise when I receive an invitation to drinks at their place last week Friday! Many things went through my mind in the days leading up to the event, and I couldn't help but wonder whether her parents weren't trying to get a match going. All the more so considering that there is quite a large age gap between us.
Anyway, I went to off to the evening, and discovered that another, much younger, team mate of mine was also there! After drinks, us "young" ones went out on the town, and suddenly everything began to make sense. I think my role was one of unobstrusive chaperone, or at least that's my take on it. I was somewhat disappointed, although not majorly so because I had never really believed there could be anything anyway.
And here I am thinking all this, fresh out of a relationship and vowing not to get involved again any time soon! Sometimes I wonder where my emotions are trying to take me. Nowhere good by the look of things. It's been said that you should trust your heart, but I'm not convinced. My heart seems to like to take me to places where I will experience hurt, so I'm moving more and more towards cool, calm decision making using facts as much as possible. Does this make me a heartless cynic? I don't think so.
On reflection though, it may be that my current state of being is all part of my maturing process. I'm learning that my emotions can be dangerously unstable, and they will oscillate from one extreme to another if I don't impose logical, deductive reasoning on them. So perhaps this is what growing wise is about. Perhaps it's about getting to know what you like, getting to know what you don't like, and learning not to worry about what anyone else might think about it. I still do a lot of people pleasing, but I'd like to think I'm progressing toward a state where I will always be myself, and those who like me that way will stick around.
One last thing, thank you Weimie Girl for your kind comments! It's wonderful to know that I have online friends who are interested in what is happening with me. You have become a firm friend.
3月30日 Time with my childrenLife can be very interesting sometimes. Take this evening for instance. I'm at my friend's place and I have my two children and his son with me for the night. He doesn't really live here (he spends most nights with his girlfriend,) but another guy whom he met at AA does. This guy is sweet but seems to need to hold centre stage in any interaction, and this makes him difficult to have around when trying to interact with one's children. The good news is that he is going out with my ex and her boyfriend for the evening, so I don't have him in in my hair the whole time.
Problem is, it is quite clear to me that he doesn't want to go, so he procrastinates and puts off readying himself until the last minute. This makes him late and so my ex and her party arrive, and have to come in and wait while he makes final preparations, and of course these take forever considering that he doesn't want to go. This means I need to guide my three young charges through dinner, and try to spend quality time with them whilst falling over a host of guests.
Now that everyone has gone, I feel greatly relieved. My daughter is sleeping peacefully next to me, and my son is playing happily with his friend in the other bedroom. Finally I can put my feet up and relax while I write a few words. It strikes me that looking after children is a whole lot easier without a host of adults getting in the way. I'm a fairly relaxed parent, although I have one or two non-negotiables. My children and their friends seem to take easily to the relaxed environment, and I seldom have trouble getting them to do the things they know they have to, but don't like.
The fact is, I would go through almost anything to spend time with my children. I have missed them sorely in the few months that we have been apart, and I have cherished the time we've spent together so far. Melissa and I spent part of the morning drawing together. She drew a beautiful serious of pictures for me, and I managed a fairly amateur still-life for her. After that we played spin-ball and then Angus joined us for a spot of cricket. Simple amusements, but special and joyous none-the-less. It has been a wonderful day, and I hope the next four are as good! 3月29日 A change of sceneryI flew up to Johannesburg this evening, to come and visit my children. An old friend came to fetch me from the airport, and we had a wonderful chat in the car and later over coffee. It's great to know that there are some friends you can just pick up with, even after not seeing each other in ages! It also surprises me how nice a change of scenery is when one is feeling tired. Visiting Johannesburg after a few months has felt almost like coming home.
My daughter gave me the longest hug when I saw her earlier, it was almost as if she was never going to let go! It is SO good to see her, and I'll see my son tomorrow morning. I can't wait... 3月27日 Post Mortem: The full storyLast night my mobile phone was stolen. Again. This is the third time in two years! So my first instinct is to call my service provider and get the sim card stopped. Ah. Phone the service provider. How? My phone has just been stolen! Go to a payphone? Yeah right, like I have thirty seven coins on me at twelve on a Monday evening, remembering that calling involves cellular rates, (cellular companies seem to refuse to provide fixed line help desks,) and I'm almost certainly going to spend at least three minutes on hold.
I know, I'll send them an email, after all my data contract is still intact so I have internet access. So I email, and of course there's no response, even after eighteen hours as I write this. In the end I walk in to my service provider just after ten this morning. Why 10:00? Well, I got there at nine and ended up having to take breakfast in the nearest cafe - because they don't open 'till ten, do they?
Oh! And this is after I went to two police stations to report it stolen (after all, it's the right thing to do.) Yes - two police stations because the first one near my flat isn't where the phone was actually stolen. Then the charge office guy tells me he can't take a statement without an ITC number. What on earth is an ITC number?? I know, I'll phone my service provider and ask. Oh wait, I don't have a phone. Aaaarrrgggghhhh!!
So back to the service provider. They're actually pretty helpful and recommend to me that I should buy another handset somewhere else because their's are overpriced. They call some back-office somewhere to obtain an ITC number for me, and guess what? The ITC number needs to go into the company workflow system, which carries a 24 hour turnaround time. But wait, there's more: You are supposed to report your phone stolen within 24 hours. With tears in my (not baby blue) eyes I ask: "How? How do I make it in time?"
So what's up with all this? I thought our beloved country had instituted clever blocking mechanisms to slow down the scourge of mobile theft. So why is it so difficult to get my own mobile barred? And why should I have to get a police case number to do it? It's MY mobile! Bar it. NOW!! Aaarrrrggghhhh!Can you believe it!! My mobile phone has just been stolen, and I have no way of notifying my service provider other than by email. Will they respond to the email now - not likely. They'll probably only check it tomorrow, and by then who knows how many calls will have been made on my contract.
Thieves make everyone's lives so difficult! Why won't they go and make their own money like everyone else?? This is the second time my mobile has been stolen. Makes me wonder why the cellular companies aren't doing more to stop the scourge of mobile theft. I reckon it's because every mobile stolen means another replacement handset they can sell.
A curse on them all. |
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