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July 30 A chilled weekendAt last! Some free time to myself. The super-urgent project I was working on fizzled out, which is a little disappointing, but not overly so seeing as it gives me some more time to catch up with myself. I spent Saturday morning doing some washing and few household chores, which was a good thing seeing as my bedroom was becoming rather dusty!
In the afternoon I went over to Emile's place (my best mate) and we spent most of the afternoon, and most of the evening playing playstation games! I have this cool James Bond game and it can be played with two players against all the badies. It's a great way to shed some stress with lots of guns and rocket launchers - just the thing to get a guy going :)
We have just installed his projector on a cool ceiling mount which we dreamed up and built ourselves, so we played big screen playstation. It rocked! The only time we took breaks was to watch the rugby and eat. That's probably the one thing that makes us atypical bachelor types - we eat very healthily and make sure our blood sugar stays stable.
Mind you, once you get into your thirties it's a clever thing to do if you want to stay in any kind of shape. Speaking of which, I think I'm finally on the last part of my cold, so I hope to get back into gym this week. Not a moment too soon either!
Sunday has been an up and down day for me. I woke late, did some shopping for food basics and then spent some time moping around the house. I really felt very down today, but I think it has a lot to do with being washed out after this cold. A cold really breaks down your defenses, not just physically but emotionally as well - it's just so much harder to cope when everything is a battle against physical weakness.
I can imagine that being old must be a lot like this - so much to do and so little strength to do it with. I have a new respect for those old folk who struggle with physical ailments!
Getting back to Sunday - in the afternoon I went over to my folks for a birthday tea (mine) where I got fussed over by my extended family who live around these parts. They're all going to be away on my actual birthday so this was a preemptive birthday celebration! It was a good pick-me-up and I enjoyed spending family time with all of them. As I get older (and wiser hopefully) I become more and more aware of how important family is, and how special family time is.
Anyway, time for some sleep and the "Onward Ho" into Monday... July 29 Perhaps not...Well, I went out tonight although I wasn't feeling fantastic. This cold actually hit me quite hard, so I've been a little fragile today. I met up with a whole bunch of girl-friends (in the platonic sense) there and it was good to see them all again.
Interestingly though, almost the moment I arrived I knew that I didn't want to be there. To be perfectly honest, I've done the club scene and I don't really enjoy it. I was steering well clear of alcohol this evening and I realised that mostly I enjoy clubs when I'm somewhat tipsy! If that's not a good indicator that clubbing is not for me, then I don't know what is.
In the final analysis, clubs are not condusive to meeting people because firstly you cannot hear them, and secondly every woman is on her guard because there are so many sleaze bags out there. Also, this group of friends are all much younger than I, and I realise that we have very little in common as far as socializing goes.
So I think I will stick to events that both groups enjoy in future. The last really cool event I attended was a cheese and wine tasting up country in the foothills of Franschhoek. We had a superb day out there and everyone enjoyed themselves thoroughly.
The lesson for me here is that I shouldn't stray away from what is essentially me, and I am not essentially someone who enjoys pretentious clubs full of young, beautiful, and ultimately shallow people. I am much more comfortable socialising over dinner or drinks in a place where reasonable conversation is possible - without having to shout every comment into the recipient's ear!
Having said that, I still love to get out on the dance floor, but I have a favorite club for that - where the dance floor is dark and you can let go without feeling self-conscious. I will keep going there whenever I feel the need to let my hair down... July 27 Feeling lonelyMy work rush is mostly over, and this is my first evening free for quite a long while. I guess that's why I'm feeling so out of place in the world. This is when I wish there was a special someone in my life, someone to cuddle up with and watch videos. I wonder when I will meet her. How long will it be?
Tomorrow evening I will be going out with friends, so it promises to be a good evening. Perhaps I will meet some new people then? Who knows. In the meantime, I think I'll just curl up and get some sleep. I think I've had enough of today. July 26 Faith and WorksI'm currently leading a bible-study group, and tonight's study was on James chapter 2. James discusses two distinct themes here, the first being that we should not discriminate between people of different classes and the second being that our faith is dead without works.
The first is quite simple and requires constant discipline on our parts, bu the second is quite a tough issue to work through. This is because Paul states quite clearly a number of times that it is by God's Grace that we are saved through faith. God does all the doing here, and nothing we can do, say or think can help us - it is solely through God's great mercy that we have any chance at all!
James, on the other hand seems to be saying that wihtout works we are not going to make it. What is really important to note here is that James is actually not contradicting Paul at all! It's easy to get that impression if you read through it quickly, but actually what James is really saying is this:
When we are saved, God works a gradual miracle of change in our lives. Our whole focus gradually shifts from self to God, and seeing that the whole world is God's concern, by implication the whole world becomes our concern too. When this shift in focus takes place, it will naturally result in action on our parts, because we could never sit idly by while something important to us needs fixing.
James is saying that he sees little evidence of this change happening around him, and he is right. We mostly don't do much because our focus is all wrong! We need to realign our lives (with God's help) so that our focus is God's focus. This is probably what many Christians struggle with the most. God's will for us seldom lines up well with what the world would have us concentrate on, and that's no real surprise either - the world focuses on instant gratification and selfishness.
As Christians we are called to live according to a different set of values - God's values. What causes much of the struggle is that the world shouts so much louder than God does. God is a gentleman and pushes us gently towards the best place for us.
How can we get this right then? My current suggestion is that we need to spend some time each morning (not necessarily very long) focusing our day on the will of God. That way we can start to be mindful of His prescence, and so come progressively closer to His perfect path for us.
One more thing: God's will for us is what will make us most satisfied and happy in the long run - after all, He made us, He surely knows what we are best suited for!
Now if I can just follow my own advice  July 25 The dreaded "lergy" Shooweee!! I've just read through this entry again, and it's not for the faint of mood! Best you skip it if you're in the mood for something light... Well, turns out it's true - I have contracted a cold.
 What a bummer. Work was uncomfortable at best, and it really doesn't help to be sneezing over everything when trying to work. I guess the upside is that I managed to stay on top of things today, despite being loaded with new stuff. I could almost imagine that the users are deliberately trying to overload me to look bad, but that view is a truly paranoid one, and I'm not paranoid now, am I?I'm sure I'm not - I wasn't last time I checked! Oh heck, maybe I am and now I'm worrying about that too... Eeeeek!
Ok, only kidding. So it's my birthday next week Tuesday and I've firmly resolved to take the day off so I can have a really good night and see in my birthday as it arrives. I was actually born at one 'o clock (my poor mom) so I could be awake at the exact anniversary! I've already promised one friend that I will be going huge, and another sounds keen, even though she says she might not be able to make it. Yeah right, she's never missed any party I've ever told her about!
I was about to reminisce and sort of take stock, but I think I'll leave that for the actual day. No sense preempting another year of age before it's due!
My son, Angus is about to go off on an adventure to Scotland with his grandparents. I can't stand them myself, but I'm sure he will have a fabulous time with them. What an opportunity. In retrospect, getting rid of those in-laws was one of the distinct benefits of getting divorced. I reckon you need to carefully consider your relationship with your potential in-laws before tying the knot - they can make life extremely difficult for you if they want to.
I'm not sure about my current position on marriage. I know mine went horribly wrong, but perhaps that was because I got into it way too young. I don't really believe anyone knows much about real love until they are into their thirties, and even then some people are either too hurt or too selfish to be long term material. I like to think that I've become a much better person since I was divorced, but then that's just my view. It would be rather interesting to know what some of my friends really think.
And then there's the whole dating scene. I've never been very good at that because I always make the stakes far too high for myself. I want everything to be perfect first time, and when it isn't I get despondent and think she won't like me. Mind you, I rather think that's a self-fulfilling prophecy! Lately I've been sticking with group activities and "friends only" type gatherings.
So how am I going to fix this? To be completely honest - I have absolutely no idea! I keep hoping that some feisty girl will come and get me, but apart from that being unlikely, those girls tend to be the ones that break your heart just as you're getting used to them! And I've had my fair share of broken hearts in the not too distant past.
Hmmm, seems I'm getting more morbid by the paragraph. Think I'll leave this train of thought for another night.
 July 24 Monday, Monday
It's always difficult to go back to work on a Monday after working through the weekend, even if it was at home. Despite this I managed to be reasonably productive today, and perhaps there is a dim light beginning to show at the end of the tunnel. That said, one never knows what my beloved users will come up with next. I can only hope it isn't too onerous this week. So far so good!
The photo is of a softball which I have been squeezing repeatedly over the weekend - a kind of "stress relief ball." Has it worked? Well, it's hard to say, but I must admit that it helps to focus the mind on lighter things when taking a break from the sheer slog of mentally taxing work!
I seem to have contracted a cold from somewhere, which is not surprising considering how hard I've been working lately. Nature seems to have a way of forcing you to slow down when you try to do too much! I hope it doesn't last though, because it will destroy the progress I've made in the gym recently. Half the gains to be had from working out are realised with cumulative effort over a period of around nine weeks. I'm on week five of my current regime...
Speaking of which, I've noticed some distinct signs of muscle tone showing on the sides of my torso and in my legs. Feels good. There's something about firm muscle that just makes you feel like you can do anything!
So ... the body is well on its way to realising some solid improvement, but what about the spirit? Well, spiritually I've really been up and down in the last few weeks - a bit like a roller-coaster. I seem to oscillate between feeling really on top of things and feeling really down about my lack of personal discipline. Focusing on one's spiritual growth must be the single most difficult thing for anyone to achieve!
So there it is: a real case of "The flesh is willing, but the spirit is week!" Go figure...
My mind keeps bringing me back to my lack of romantic involvement, but I think I'm too shy to talk at length about that right now ;-)
P.S. Thanks Mary for teaching me how to put photos wherever I like :-) July 23 Far East girls rule!It's been my experience in the last two weeks that Far East girls are by far the most friendly and positive girls in the world! You girls rock!
This leads me to ask myself why this would be - and this is what I think it might be:
Western girls have been brought up in a world where integrity is something that doesn't feature much. A western girl must never trust the motives of a male until she knows him well enough to know if he is actually ok. After living most of her life in this way, she would naturally become cynical and automatically mistrust everyone.
Of course, I may be completely wrong here. Perhaps the Eastern girls feel the same, but appear friendly out of politeness and a struggle to use English. It's a theory which I shall have to prove or disprove to myself over time. Nevertheless at this time I am holding in favour of Eastern girls in the friendliness department.
Of course this is a generalisation and I have experienced some openess from a few westerners. It would seem in the main, however, that British and American girls are either too frightened or too snobbish to make their prescence felt or allow others to participate in their online lives. So there it is... out there and published on my space.
One last thing: To those of you who have chatted online to me this weekend. Thanks a million! I've spent the whole weekend working and online, and it's always nice to have someone say hi :-) July 21 Where have all the hours gone?Here I am, eleven 'o clock in the evening and wondering to myself where the day went! Work is just crazy at the moment, and I can hardly find time to breathe, let alone relax! My current client is getting uptight about the number of issues outstanding, but hasn't bothered to notice that most of the issues were raised in the last two weeks!
What can one do? You do the work and get paid, and you roll with the punches to live another day... I must admit that I'm tiring fast at the moment though. I need to find some time to do some real relaxing. I can always tell when I'm getting too stressed, because I start to become too sentimental about life, and hanker back to "the good old days." Of course those days weren't much different to these ones, so I'm only kidding myself.
Anyway, I hold out for the time when things will calm down a bit, and I will be "Going Big" on a Friday eveing instead of preparing for bed at eleven.
To all those who have left comments recently: Thanks a million! It's great to know you're out there. If you commented, and I haven't dropped you a note, it's probably because you've locked your space for messenger contacts only - I won't be able to visit unless you add me to your contact list ...
By the way, if you've been here before, check out the new photos. I upload a few every now and then as I have time :-) July 20 So close, yet so farI see her there, online even though it's late.
Tantalisingly close...
But she belongs to someone else,
To chat would just be awkward.
My time for new love is yet to come,
but how long will it be?
Not today I guess ... July 19 Things never work out quite as you expectI had a really hectic day at work again today. There are just so many tasks to complete that I find myself wondering if I will ever get them all done. There always seems to be time pressure to produce the results too. I made good progress on one of the most difficult reconciliation reports I'm working on though, and that bodes well for the immediate future.
Work is not really the point of this post though - I just wanted to set the scene for my evening. Tonight was my first real bible-study with me as the leader, and I must admit that I went this evening with some trepidation about my ability to lead effectively. The thing I struggle most with is doing proper preparation. With work my life being so busy at the moment (I've worked during most evenings recently,) I have spent very little time in decent preparation.
This evening I arrived at the venue having read the chapter and the commentary, and having printed copies of a list of discussion questions. I really wanted to have written an introduction to the book (James) dealing with the history of the book's inclusion in the new testament, but I just never got around to it.
Anyway, few people arrived this evening due in part to a mis-communication about the group getting going again (we have been in recess for an Alpha course,) and so there were only four of us to start with. I almost felt that we should give up on the study and postpone it for next week, but decided to soldier on instead.
It was the right decision! Even though there were only four of us, God blessed us richly with insight and ideas, and we were all greatly challenged by what we read and discussed. The discussion questions helped facilitate the study and the group virtually led itself, taking on a life of its own as the conversation moved between us.
I am feeling somewhat spiritually recharged, and I'm looking forward to next week when we meet again, and hopefully have even more people to take part :-)
Oh, I almost forgot to mention, the title alludes to things being different to what I expected ... and indeed they were. Although we used the questions to spark off conversation, the actual discussion took many unexpected paths, and I gained many insights myself from the study. July 18 The GrindstoneA shrill sound breaks through the comfortable silence
What could this be?
I was just walking by a gurgling stream,
Lush foliage on either side of me.
My mind struggles to assimilate this new sound.
Oh no, it's morning and I'm emerging from a dream.
Surely not! It can't possibly be morning already!
Alas, it is and once again I drag myself
from the cotton comfort, warm and dry.
The cold of the kitchen floor feels like ice,
the kettle takes forever ... and then
Coffee! Warm and aromatic,
I feel more alive just smelling the fragrance.
My mind shifts slowly into gear,
the biological machine grinds into action.
The morning chores flash by,
the drive to work a blur.
Office madness, I work frantically,
but there is never an end.
Five 'o clock comes and goes
and suddenly it's six and I'm rushing home.
Quick, I need food and then on again.
Fetch the cousins for the concert...
My brother brings forth great life
from the cathedral organ.
The applause is massive
and his fame grows.
The end of an era.
Soon he will be gone
Far over the seas
Out of reach
I will miss you my dearest brother
Hurry back with new letters to your name. July 16 A Friend in needI have a good friend who is quite a lot younger than me, but we get on pretty well, and she is always on top of the social scene here in Cape Town. Friends like her are very useful when it comes to knowing what's happening on any given weekend!
She recently came back from a festival up the coast and she seemed very quiet when I saw her at the Sports Cafe during the rugby game on Saturday (a disaster for our team by the way.) I didn't think much of it then, being busy for the rest of the day, but when I saw her again at church this evening, she was still very withdrawn and quiet.
Unfortunately I wasn't able to chat to her because a private opportunity didn't occur, so I ended up sending a text to her mobile later on. Just as I suspected, she isn't ok and she didn't say why. Of course that probably means only one thing: Affairs of the heart!
She was involved with a younger guy a while back, and she reallly fell hard for him. He's a nice enough guy, but he just doesn't feel the same way about her. It's been over for more than a year now, but she still doesn't seem to be over him, and every now and then it comes out in her mood. I really hope a good man finds her soon. (And I'm not that man in case you were wondering - we aren't compatible in that sense.)
Which leads me onto the subject of love, or perhaps infatuation in the sense that we refer to it. We get bombarded with images of romance on the TV and in film all the time, and usually we're shown the bright side of romance. Isn't it so often true though, that "love" lives a brief life in one of the partners, and then dies leaving one person free and the other aching with deep hurt. What a pity that we can't have memories removed from our experience when that happens!
And then, as if that weren't enough, our crazy society puts the onus on the males to initiate romantic contact. That leaves many wonderful women waiting for someone to notice them. Not to mention romantically shy guys like me! Most times, by the time I've got myself together, the woman who may have been interested at first has moved on.
I personally feel that it's high time that this ridiculous system was put out to pasture! What is wrong with a woman making the first move? It's only convention that says it shouldn't happen... July 15 Some thoughts on my faithOk, just for those of you who wonder what loser blogs on a Saturday morning... Two things:
To come back to the point. I mentioned God speaking to me the other morning, and I just want to clarify that this doesn't come completely out of the blue... I've been a believer (Christian if you like) for about 29 years - I "gave" my life to Jesus when I was six years old. Since then there have been many ups and downs, times that I've been on fire in my faith, and times when I've gone away from the church for long periods. In the last two years I have been like the prodigal son coming home to his father. After not darkening the door of a church for two years, I started going again after attending a bible study with my brother. Since then, I have been making steady progress in terms of coming closer to God, and just in the last three months I've been trying to focus my life around God's will. That's not as easy as you might think! When you choose to try and live in God's will, the world throws obstacles in your path like never before, and it actually makes sense: The ways of the world are almost diametrically opposite to the way that God asks us to live. What does this mean for ordinary people in living in the world as it is today? Well, it means that we have to constantly refocus our attention on the will of God. During every waking moment you are tempted and distracted from the right path. In all kinds of ways. That's why I was so incredibly grateful to hear from God in such a clear way the other day. I've been aching to know that He is with me and knows what I'm going through, and of course He does, but as a weak minded Human I need to be constantly reminded of the fact. As a single male in the prime of my life, one of the things I struggle with most is my Sexuality. They say guys think about sex every thirty seconds and I reckon they aren't far wrong! My biggest challenge is focusing on the will of God when there's a cute blond nearby ;-) I'm currently preparing a bible study on the first chapter of James, so expect to read more about that if you come back to my site in the near future. Enough of that though, off to the game! Good morning JeansI'm sitting at my kitchen table, munching on some shredded wheat cereal (oh what absolute bliss [not]) Earlier on when I came out of the shower, I heard an almighty clattering coming from the kitchen. Man oh man, someone must be trying to break down the burglar bars!
With some trepidation I head down the passage wearing only underwear and a baseball bat. Well, I wasn't really wearing the baseball bat, but you get the picture... I get to the kitchen and all seems well: The dryer is happily seeing to my washing and the fridge is chriping merrily away to itself. Then comes the bashing again - Ohhhhhhhh - that's what it is! It's just a pair of my blue jeans trying to climb out of the dryer! Don't worry silly jeans - drying is good for you, I promise you'll thank me later.
Ah well, back to the bedroom seeing as I'm now pretty chilled, and I don't mean relaxed. It's not really that cold here in Cape town in the winter (about 14 degress celcius,) but that's cold enough when you're not wearing anything! Today it will rain, again, but hey, it can't last forever now can it?
Ah! Speaking of which - the dryer's just finished. Quite a clever piece of machinery this dryer - knows when the clothes are dry. Well, actually come to think of it this dryers a little optimistic for my liking ... What it calls "Standard Dry" for mixed fabrics is something like your towel after you've just dried yourself. Oh well jeans, back you go - it won't be long now ... July 14 Exhausted!I'm sitting with legs streched out in front of me on my bed, my laptop on my lap keeping me warm! It's been raining most of the day here in Cape Town, so it's a bit chilly.
I spent some time in the gym this evening after work, and now my legs feel like jelly. I could hardly climb the stairs up from the men's change room on my way out! It's a good feeling though - there honestly isn't anything else that leaves you feeling so relaxed and alive. I know I will feel stiff tomorrow, but that means I've challenged the muscles in my legs and bum, and they'll grow as a result.
I decided a few weeks back that my middle needed some attention, and there's no better way to trim down a middle than to add some muscle on your legs, chest and arms. So that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm on a relatively high protien diet (40% protien, 30% carbs and 30% fat) - a perfect combination to get the testosterone flowing in my blood, and testosterone is what makes us guys run at peak performance!
So, so far so good, I haven't lost any weight, and I can already start to see some tone developing in my mid-section - and that's after only two and a half weeks! The program I started calls for nine weeks of initial effort, and I had to give up beer :-( That's the hardest part. Ever tried going out with your friends and only drinking diet coke? It's not as easy as you might think.
You might wonder why I don't want to lose any weight. Fact is, I only recently managed to put on a decent amount of weight (within the last two or three years) and now I have the kind of bulk that makes me feel well proportioned, and I must say I like it that way - a guy should have some bulk. So what are the numbers? Well, I currently weigh 79.8kg and I'm 1.8m tall which means I'm at the top end of my ideal BMI, but my body fat percentage is only 18% so I'm not exactly carrying a lot of excess weight.
Anyway, the point is I feel better for having put in some effort, and I will sleep well tonight. This blog entry serves as a marker of my current position, and I will post again with more results as time progresses. Good luck Steve - and work hard! July 13 And the winner is ...So ... just when I thought I was going to be blogging merrily away to myself, I discover that there are people watching! <Gulp> Well, it doesn't really make any difference. You fine people who have commented live half way across the world so I welcome any input you may have :)
I am feeling very much better today, and would you guess, it's because God spoke to me this morning! I kid you not - He left me a very strange but clear pointer. This is how it went:
This morning, as with most mornings, I made and ate breakfast and prepared my lunch (a very tasty turkey sandwich with tomato and lettuce.) As I was packing away, I discovered an ear-bud on my counter top. Let me leave you in no doubt whatsoever that I do not have ear-buds in the kitchen ... ever. The amazing thing is that when I saw it, I immediately thought of listening - after all, ear buds are for cleaning out your ears so you can hear well.
Who might have placed an ear bud in my kitchen? Well, seeing as I live alone, it was either me or God. So maybe I put it there, but I have no recollection of doing so. Anyway, so I look at the ear bud and then think to myself, "Ok God, so you want me to listen ... I'm listening." Nothing happened right away and I forgot about it while I cleaned my teeth and gathered my stuff for my journey to work.
A little while later my CD player comes on in the car in the middle of a song, it's an album I know and like, and I think nothing of it. The next song has great sounding guitar, so as the previous track finishes, I wind up the volume. That's when it hit me...
The words to the song go like this:
Those were exactly the words I needed to hear this morning. God had a message for me and he used a famous singer (all credit to Steven Curtis Chapman for using the gift of music God gave him) to get the message across.
I drove to work with tears running down my cheeks: I have never listened closely to the words before, and today I realised that God really loves me. He REALLY loves me. I can't help but share this news, it's just too good to keep to myself.
Of course you may think I've gone nuts - but then this blog is for me so I don't really mind what you might think. Today I am a winner through the grace of God.
Who would have thoughtI'm always amazed to read what I've written the night before! Probably the biggest lesson for me is that I am most vulnerable in the evenings!
Today will be every bit as busy as yesterday, but maybe I can make some decent headway for a change. I read about David in my bible this morning - it's most fascinating how fortune (and God) seem to favour the brave. It seems God loves those who live with everything they have, and give all their major decisions to Him. David wasn't a particularly good guy, but he always put God first, and God blessed him despite all the things he did wrong.
What can I learn from this? Well, I guess I should take back my passion and live for the moment! Hurt has left me over-cautious and slow to respond to opportunity, but I need to pursue everything in life with all my heart and soul.
Sieze the day! July 12 Time for some reflectionI've been really busy in the last couple of weeks, and I should have been leading a bible-study tonight, but when I got there I found out that it only starts next week! Go figure - it's my bible study but someone else decides when it's going to be. It's so typical of the church - they want you to get involved but only according to their exact structure!
I'm afraid they're going to be somewhat disappointed with my responses with time. I do things in the way that I feel is best under the circumstances, and I don't take particulalry well to being forced like a square peg into a round hole.
Enough about that.
So I'm at a bit of a loose end. Technically I should be coding on a project that is due next month, but I'm sick of that so I'm doing something for me (writing this blog.)
I have a female collegue of mine on my mind a lot at the moment. We nearly became a couple (or maybe I thought we nearly did.) She showed some interest in me, and I became very interested soon after that. She met someone else during this time though, and left me hurting really badly. There's much more to the amount of hurt I experienced, and I may or may not write about it as time goes by.
These days I don't really feel much pain about it any more, but having said that, just the other day she and another colleague were chatting loudly in the next office (as they are often want to do.) They came onto the subject of sex with their respective boyfriends, and proceeded to discuss some finer points. Isn't it funny how sometimes you cannot but listen to a conversation you really don't want to hear? Anyway, I found the mental pictures that my mind readily produced for me to be very painful.
So I ask myself why they would be painful? The initial events took place over two years ago, and many events have occurred between now and then. Why should I care what she (or anyone else for that matter) gets up to when she's not at work?
I can't help wondering if it's my lot for some past sins which I have committed. It would seem these days that most women find me nice from far - along with its reciprocal "far from nice" Every time I have started something, the woman in question has been keen in the beggining but run like hell after a relatively short time. I wish I knew what scares them off.
I've always thought I was a decent enough guy. Am I really self absorbed? Am I too intense? Ai - who knows.
Anyway, the result is that now I'm not or even imagining being in any kind of relationship for the foreseeable future. In a way it's a good thing because I don't have the commitment that comes with that either. I can't help wondering where its all going to though. Is this where it ends - Steve the single (divorced) guy for ever after?
Do I even have anything to offer a prospective mate? Too many questions, too few answers. HmmmI'm not sure why I'm writing anything here at all, but what the hell...
I've been looking at the photos I've uploaded and wondering why they don't look like the person I see in the mirror. What is that about anyway? Why can I never get a shot that looks like me?
Seeing as this is my first blog entry here, I might as well put in a disclaimer: If you read this, it is entirely at your own risk. If you know me, and I happen to mention you, you may not take offence (if you're likely to take offence at being mentioned in a bad light, don't read on!) I reserve the right to be dead boring in any blog that I write. I also reserve the right to go months or even years without making an entry. If you find yourself being disappointed at what you read, read something else! |
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