I just had to post this!  I've been chatting to a new friend from Scotland, and checking my email, and reading some blogs...

 

I get regular emails from an outfit called tickle - they send news of short tests you can take which give you clues about your personality.  Today there was one called "What turns you on?"  I couldn't resist - this is what came out:

 

 

Today has been a good day for me!  For once I have managed to stay on top of the things I need to acheive, and I've gotten some of my more tiresome chores out of the way.  And here's the main thing:  After a long layoff mainly due to my continuing ill health, I finally dragged myself into the gym this afternoon.

 

It took discipline in terms of getting to work early and leaving on time, but I made the effort and put in an hour and a half of moderate circuit based exercise.  I planned fairly well too, in that I had a program worked out and ready.  I even printed it on cards so that I could carry it easily around the gym!

 

Today I took it easy and tried not to overstress anything, and hopefully I'll be able to gradually get back into shape without injuring myself.  I've found in the last two years that I have become increasingly more prone to injury.  This means that I need to follow perfect form and build up very gradually.

 

I have to say though, that the way I feel right now after exercising is truly amazing.  I might even say that the last time I felt this good was after much more pleasurable persuits!  (And that has been quite a while.)  So I'm holding thumbs that I will be able to keep up with the program, that my health will hold and that in the near future I will have back my well-toned and strength-filled frame.

 

 

I've just skimmed over my whole blog, and looking at it as a whole I see a definite downward trend in my overall mood.  It's somewhat disturbing to say the least, and quite possibly means I need to make some changes.  "Change what though?" is the first question I ask myself.  I probably work way too hard, and I should look at getting a job that is less demanding, but that is certainly easier said than done. 

 

Thinking about it though, I've moved before and most jobs are pretty much the same.  There is always too much work and too little time, and few people understand the frustrations or complexities of system programming.  Mind you, a change in environment might be all that is needed.  Still, changing jobs is a huge decision and bears much thinking about.

 

So if not work then what else?  I guess I've been mulling over dropping out of the tenpin league.  The players seem to take it far too seriously which in my opinion takes most of the fun out of it.  That would certainly help in the sleep department seeing as it seldom ends before midnight on a Monday!

 

I'm kidding myself if I think that will make much difference though. "The purpose driven life" is categorical when it says one's focus has to be on God, but I think it's easier for some than others.  It seems every time I get started on that road, the world closes in and I'm left wounded and bleeding on the side of life's path.  One thing I have learnt though, is not to trust everyone.  It sounds ghastly I know, but I'm growing ever more aware that most people seem to put whatever slant on the truth suits them at the time.

 

Perhaps this is the stage in my life where I learn how to work out if a particular individual is worthy of my trust.  Seeing as life is all about relationships, it would seem vital that I get this one sorted out ... well and truly.  I've always expected the best from everyone, and taken whatever they say at face value, but lately that hasn't served me well.  I've found too many people will say whatever will get them what they want at the time, and gullible me believes every word.

 

So I've become ever more cynical and suspecting of people's true motives, and therein lies the rub!  Cynicism is a very lonely place to live, and as a human designed to be social creature, it is killing me slowly.  So how can I get out of this without making myself vulnerable to the unscroupulous individuals who would take advantage of me?  Perhaps the answer is that actions always speak much louder than words, maybe I've always known this but have chosen to ignore it in favour of a more rosy version of reality?  Could be ...

 

.. why I stopped blogging just before bed.

 

It's ten minutes past twelve midnight, and I'm sitting in my bed propped up by pillows with my laptop ... on my lap of course!  "And why?" you may ask yourself.  Well, I blogged just before retiring for bed, didn't I?  So now my mind is racing around with all the things I wrote about, and all the things I decided not to write about!

 

I have an Oregon Scientific clock with a neat little projector which throws the time onto the ceiling in large red numbers when the lights are off.  The thing is, it taunts me when I can't sleep.  It sits there saying, "See Steve, another half an hour has passed and you're still awake, you pathetic specimen!"  It's right of course, I should know better than to get my mind going before bed.

 

In the words of the ever-brilliant Faithless - "Damn, if I could only get some sleep!"

 

Ok ... so I guess we all know that potentially our blogs might be read by some folks we know, but one never really thinks about the possiblilty unless it acutally happens.  Today one of my colleagues alluded to the fact that they have seen my blog, and I must say I'm not convinced I like it that way.  (I've always believed the best place to hide things is right in front of people's noses, but of course it does occasionally go awry!)

 

Ah well, for now I'm going to try and forget, and let this continue to be the outlet for me that it has been so far.  I know I've mentioned the value of friends before, and now more than ever that is something that I'm learning to really appreciate.  Pondering on some of the friends I have.

 

There's Emile who's generally around and seldom asks much of me other than my prescence at rugby matches and beach volley ball games.  He's the kind of friend to spend a lot of time with because he expects little from me and understands implicitly when I opt out of things.  Then there's Janet who I seldom see but always brings vast enthusiasm to wahtever we do together.  She's tiring to spend a lot of time with, but really a generous and special person.  And Mya, she who has been sending me regular texts, just to remind me that she thinking of me whilst I'm down.

 

June as well, June who has cried with me, and shared my deepest hurts and sorrows, as well as sharing hers.  She always has time for me, even in the midst of a new and budding relationship.  And, of course, my long time friend and colleague, Brendan.  Brendan who came to the hospital when I was recovering from the assault on me.  Brendan who didn't demand conversation, but was just there, showing his support.

 

How blessed I am when I think of these people!  And to think, these are just my close friends.  There are so many more who always have a ready smile and time for both chilling and being out on the town!  Where would I be without these wonderful individuals?  I hate to think.

 

P.S. I have't forgotten about posting new photos- it's just time consuming resizing and cropping, and time is a scare commodity at the moment.

I went this last weekend up country to a little village called McGregor.  McGregor nestles in amongst the mountains that form a solid wall behind the flatlands of the Western Cape, and it is a quiet and beautiful place, made even more beautiful by the starkness of the Karoo semi-desert vegetation that characterises this part of the country.

 

We spent the weekend in a retreat known as Temenos, which constists of a compound with many small cottages around the edge, and various shrines dedicated to different religions in the middle.  I must admit that as a Christian, I find the closeness of the different shrines to be somewhat sacriligious, and I wouldn't have combined them all in one place.  Nevertheless, the place is beautiful and peaceful, and I spent a relaxing weekend there.

 

Coming back to Cape Town to face the week was not pleasant, and I feel myself wishing I was still in the country.  This morning I had a truly terrible headache, and I must have been like a bear with a sore head to those around me.  Anyway, the day is over and hopefully I will feel much better tomorrow.  I will post pictures of the place we stayed when I have a little time!

Work seems to have gone completely crazy in the last little while.  Suddenly my colleagues seem to be finding errors at every turn, and yet they were processing smoothly just a month ago!  And strange how they will insist on a dangerous change and then get all excited when someone makes a dangerous mistake!  People in general can't seem to realise that a system can only be flexible if it allows some leeway in the decision making process, and if it does this then it's users need to use it judiciously.

 

There is no computer system that can save a user from their own stupidity, and yet companies will keep chasing this "holy grail" as it it were attainable by sheer determination.  I despair with these people, the only positive thing here being that the more they chase their tails, the more work there is for me.  Anyway, enough about that!

 

I bought a bicycle recently to aid in the struggle to stay fit and healthy, and I must say it's fantastic to cycle around the suburb in the early morning or late afternoon.  The one thing I didn't count on was the smell of the tyres though!  I live in a flat so my cycle has to live in the lounge, and new tyres give off an amazingly powerful stench!  It smells like a formula one pit garage in my lounge.  I hope the new tyre smell doesn't last too long.

... at the end of the tunnel!

 

I had dinner with my folks last night at an unpretentious, quaint little family restaurant.  I was in somewhat of a hurry as I had a chruch meeting to attend, but we managed to get there early enough to have half-an-hour to eat together.  As folks often do, they asked me what was troubling me (because my mom always knows when something is wrong) so I told them about my struggle with motivation and all the things I am not getting handled.

 

After some brief thought, they both offered to help out with some of the practicle things I need to get done and don't have time for.  So my dad took my car today to sort out the problems it's been having, and my mom took on some phoning and emailing I need to do.  Aren't they wonderful!  Obviously I still have my deeper issues, but their love in practice, reminds me that my folks love me and are there for me, and not just by way of "lip service."

 

I'm still feeling pretty down (and exhausted) at the moment, but at least I know I have people to support me.  Speaking of which; thanks fellow bloggers for your kind words.  I know I haven't been around much, and I'm glad to know you're still there!  As you can see, I'm trying to get logs out slighlty more regularly.  We'll see how it goes...

 

I bought a beautiful Rusell Hobbs stainless steel four slice-toaster a few months ago, and half of it works really well (it's like two two-slice toasters welded together,) but the other half doesn't stay down unless you give it a very solid shove.  Naturally I took it back seeing as I spent so much money on it, and I was duly informed that it would take around 14 working days to repair.  Fourteen days later I arrived at the service centre, to be told that no fault was found.  "Ok..." I thought to myself, "Perhaps it sorted itself out during the journey to the workshop."  Still, being a seasoned african citizen, I asked the technician to take it out and show me it in action.  He took it out, plugged it in and guess what - yeah, you guessed it - it doesn't stay down!! 

 

Seems to me that the workshop didn't try very hard to see what was wrong.  In his defence, the technician was suitably embarrassed and promised to get the problem sorted out with some alacrity.  I'm not convinced, but I await the outcome with interest!

I have a continuing struggle with the nuances of social interaction, and I seem to oscillate between being over-sensitive and being "a bull in a china shop."  This eveing serves as pertinent example of this.  After church, there is always tea, and usually I go and have a cup and chat with one or two friends.

 

Tonight a good friend of mine who happens to be much younger than I, brought along a friend of hers from work (who I have had various interactions with over time as part of our wider group of friends,) and it was great to see her there.  I have not seen her for a while, and the last time we met I received a warm greeting in the form of a hug and a big smile.  I naturally assumed therfore, that a hug was in order especially seeing as we had not seen each other for a while.

 

This is where I believe things went "pear shaped."  I sensed some discomfort in her when I put my arm around her, and feeling a little foolish I excused myself and went to chat with others for a while.  Later I rejoined the two of them to catch up on recent events (as friends generally do.)  During the course of this I asked the collegue how she was, and my friend was quick to mention that her collegue was very much looking forward to a imminent visit from her boyfriend.

 

Again, perhaps I'm being over-sensitive, but I think I sensed a defensive maneuver between friends in the rapid mention of her boyfriend, and it left me feeling foolish and awkward, something I do not enjoy.  As if I would hit on someone who I know is already involved!  Of course it could be that the collegue is just very excited about the impending visit and it is an ongoing and major topic between them.

 

Frustratingly, I will never know which it is, and I think perhaps this is a clear lesson for me to stop hanging out with friends who are much younger, because there are under-currents (real or imagined) in our interactions which leave me feeling very old indeed!

So I haven't blogged for a while.

 

It's been like this:  I follow my daily grind, get to my laptop and then I don't feel like blogging anymore.  Any why would this be?  Not long ago I could barely drag myself away from the keyboard!  So why this lack of motivation?  As I sit here in front of my computer I'm trying to think of a good reason, and yet there just isn't one.

 

Mind you, my life has mirrored this in the last few weeks.  I seem to have lost my enthusiasm for a time, and all that's left is raw determination to put one foot in front of the other; get to work, get stuff done, get home, eat, watch TV or play Tetris.  This seems to be the best I can manage right now.  Worrisome because this lack of energy has heralded major depression for me in the past, and yet I seem unable to snap out of it right now.

 

I guess part of the problem relates to affairs of the heart.  Much of the time I'm on top of this, and I wait patiently for the next romantic encounter, (and it actually seems that there may be one on the horizon.)  At the same time I realise resignedly that I am still stuck on one particular person, a person who has chosen another, and yet I am forced to be in her prescence way more than is comfortable for me.  It grates me that I can't put this behind me!  What is it going to take to feel ok again?

 

On further reflection, I wonder if this is just my mind trying to put a reason to my dissatisfaction.  Perhaps there is a deeper cause relating to the fact that I feel my life is going nowhere right now.  I really struggle with the day to day grind.  I used to live for getting to work in the mornings, for the next victory lying ahead, and perhaps that's where some of the problem lies.  These days I seem barely able to keep my head above the water, never mind winning any victories!

 

I don't know.

I'm back from visiting my children, and we had a fantastic time together!  We went ice-skating and bike riding, we played finger board and playstation and there were lots of hugs and kisses.  It was a good time for all of us.

 

Of course, as with all good times, they have to end eventually, and my week with them just flew by far too quickly.  I'm back at work, and after my second day I feel like I never left.  Anyway, I seem to be over my bout of colds (touch wood) and hopefully I will remain healthy for a while.  The specialist wants to operate in my nose to enlarge the ducts between my nose and sinuses to help them drain better.  It seems I tend to accumulate mucus in my sinuses and create a wonderful breeding ground for any passing bacteria!

 

Well, it will have to wait for next year when my medical insurance is up to it, but in the meantime I am ok so I'm not really complaining.  I'm not enjoying being back at work though.  There is just way too much of a backlog, and the work did not diminish while I was away, so now there is more than ever.  This is definitely an exercise in not panicking every time I look at what needs to be done!